I saw this on the 19th and have really been dragging my ass to post something about it. What is there to say? Can anything be said? Is it worth it to say it? Disney is beyond criticism at this juncture. Because really, why is it necessary to remake these movies with little more then updated window dressing, a modern celebrity roster, and minor tweaks that will date the movie twenty years from now even more then the twenty-year-plus old original? Other then to sucker a new generation of young parents to buy their obnoxious children more useless merch? No I did not like The Lion King remake. It was ghastly watching the opening sequence remade with CGI and its edgy, realistic tone. No more pomp during the musical numbers: that wouldn’t happen (kitties are colorblind, remember!). No visions from the heavens: just cloud formations that are up to interpretation. And no metaphysical displacement from Rafiki: he gets his news from, literally, shit. It wasn’t fun. It felt like the Jon Favreau who I’ve known since Swingers had finally given his virgin asshole to the train of lizard people waiting for him in the Disney boardroom.

There were times while I was watching – trying to ignore the terrible mouth movements that have plagued film CG since young Jeff Bridges in Tron 2 – where, if I closed my eyes, I swear I could hear the original movie. The music sounded exactly the same, with a more modern dramatic punch during the action, and until Donald Glover and Beyonce and the rest of the idiots that couldn’t delay to pay their property tax this year showed up the actors playing the young characters sounded uncannily like the ones from the original, too. This didn’t make me enjoy the movie any more but it did make me wonder how much money they saved by reusing material already available from the animated movie, its sequels, and the stage musical. And then Timon and Pumbaa showed up, and the movie committed the worst sin it could have for me: it made them boring. Gone is the wisecracking, sly, self-aware duo that had their own TV show for a while (because Hakuna Matata ain’t no passing craze) and in their place was Seth Rogan and who? Billy Eichner? Never watched Parks and Rec, but his Timon came off too gay and Rogan’s Pumbaa got some new lines about being against bullying. Seriously Seth, you need to go away for a while. You’ve been hanging around too much lately and it’s starting to make me uncomfortable.

The Lion King is divisive. You will like it or you will not like it, and if you do not like it, it could be because you are old enough to remember the original and couldn’t take off your rose-colored glasses. You know where I stand on it. The only thing I could say I truly enjoyed was hearing James Earl Jones still smashing it at 88: until he had to get really huffy he totally sounded how he did in the original. But that’s the thing. It is NOT original. It is an illusion designed by a clever media giant to squeeze your diaper budget thin. Did it need to be made? Does it need to be seen? Where will ALL the money it is going to make go to in the end? And was it worth it?