We are in to uncharted territory here; something that Escape Plan 3 knows nothing about. I was disappointed with the new Lion King because the cold, realistic tone of live-action took away from the visual imagination of animation. There is no visual imagination in Escape Plan 3. Ninety-percent of the film takes place in a vile, puke colored prison (the same where Shawshank was filmed!) whose inhabitants notice the bloodied and crispy linens. In this high-security Latvian prison, Devon Sawa (the boy from the first Final Destination movie! That’s where I knew him from) has kidnapped the daughter of a wealthy Chinese tech mogul for some reason (the copy I watched had no English subtitles, but I can tell you it all felt terribly dramatic). THEN he goes and kidnaps the daughter of Sylvester Stallone’s security expert Ray Breslin – presumably to lure him out of hiding – which as we all know is a BIG MISTAKE. Breslin’s specialty is breaking out of prisons to test their weaknesses, but will this mission push him to his own breaking point? STAY TUNED.

There is a rule in our house: if I pick a movie, we have to watch it. The last notable pick was Pound of Flesh, with a philanthropic Jean-Claude Van Damme getting his kidney stolen by the mob. I hadn’t seen Escape Plan 2 going in to 3 so I was worried I wouldn’t understand the continuity and lore but thankfully seeing the first movie was enough. It was a fun picture with Stallone and Schwarzenegger working together to break out of an underwater jail hidden beneath a barge in the middle of the ocean. With such a high standard to follow, the third-world accommodation on display here is practically modest. Stallone and one of several Schwarzenegger-contemporaries Dave Bautista (Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy) obviously showed up for work, contractually-obligated to stand around and be the white male barbarian that overseas markets LOVE, occasionally firing a gun that renders CGI gunshots or smashing people up really good with their fists rendering CGI blood. The 40/60 quotient we have of actors I knew versus actors I didn’t wasn’t so distracting once some of the cool martial arts started and after accepting that I couldn’t understand what they were saying anyway. Some could say this is an incomplete review then. I will tell them you couldn’t get me to watch this again if they blew me.

There were a few saving graces. It was mercifully short. It ACTUALLY had like 10 production company logos at the beginning, which I always thought was a joke. And the final fight between Stallone and Sawa was NOT what I was expecting. Instead of shaky quick-cuts trying to hide what Sylvester had for lunch, it’s a one-take where he is actually able to act and inflict some serious damage. It belongs in a different movie. Maybe, possibly, the new Rambo! If the Chinese decide they still want more Escape Room and they make a fourth movie, Stallone should direct. I bet that could be pretty dope.