A short story.

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i dunno.

you never know.

i know i know, i’m just not a big tv watcher. you know that. youre lucky im still awake, im beat from working at the mill all day.

well here, give me the remote.

no you tell me what you want to watch and ill go to it.

i dont believe you!

come on why not?

you always do this, you say that i can pick and then i pick something and you say no!

what are you talking about, i never do that!

ok put on the new melissa mccarthy movie.

no no no

see? told you!

its just im allergic to bullshit.

im allergic to your bullshit! now give me the remote.

no fuck off its mine!

haha! that tickles! … mm that was nice.

it was.

thank you sweetie! but that still doesnt help us pick a show.

well here ill make it easier for you, im giving you the remote.

really? for me?

yes. dont say i dont do anything for you.

i wont.

but only because you milked me! this is an armistice!

yeah there there, lay back and bask in some rom com candy!

yay…

hmm thats strange…

what?

i thought we hadnt seen this before but we have. we watched it last night.

and you couldnt remember it?

im not sure why but, i remember this whole opening sequence now you know, where she steps out onto the road and gets her foot run over by the taxi? and the stiletto heel breaks off and gets impaled right up into her ankle, and the rest of the movie she walks with a heavy gait? why didnt you tell me we had seen this?

because i fell asleep, hon. how much weed did you smoke last night?

mm too much i cant even remember what we had for dinner…

we had vegan fish tacos at that place down the street. the one youve been bugging me to go to for the last week, since you saw that ad on the tv listings channel.

ooh yeah. they were really good.

i bet. you can hardly forget them.

well here, lets go through the new releases, there has to be something we can agree on. … is anything popping out to you?

babe i can hardly keep my eyes open. just pick anything.

there isnt anything new to watch. apparently ive seen it all.

is this what youre doing when im at work? watching all of the shows?

i swear i dont remember watching these, but netflix says i have. look the little red bar on the bottom of all the images. that tells you how much you have left to watch on any given episode, and theyre on all of the images. so apparently ive seen all of these.

isnt that theoretically impossible? to watch everything on netflix?

i know but, ive just been so out of it lately. ever since i shoved that old gypsy lady off the pier i havent felt like myself.

dear, that was only yesterday.

yes! and today is the first of the month! there should be all new shows for november but theres nothing i havent seen before! look, this is the one where marlon wayans plays like six different characters and theyre all terrible! this is the one where the mexican guy from ant man thinks hes human but hes actually a robot! this is that show where doctors use facebook to diagnose illnesses but dont actually treat or cure any of them! i remember all of these!

just pick another app or something.

its just, really weird.

it is.

lets watch cbs all access.

sure.

… oh my god…

what is it now?

ive watched everything on here too.

really.

thats impossible.

apparently not.

i just couldnt have watched all these.

maybe you didnt but it just says you did, like a glitch in the system.

no i think that i havent and then i read the little description thing for the episode and then i remember. all of a sudden. like here, i thought i was only on season two of hawaii five o but this says ive seen all nine seasons. and the season finale? when mcgarrett has to suck adams second cousins dick to save dano? i have seen that! ill never forget alex o loughlins o face! brilliant acting!

then just go on another app! but can you do it without the commentary please?

excuse me?

i had a busy day, and we just had sex. i am exhausted. you are complaining that there is nothing to watch on tv. is it really that important?

i suppose not really but, who wants to watch something theyve already watched?

well we still have my dvd collection, there might be something in there

i told you already that subtitled criterion garbage belongs in your storage locker with your weights and your riley reid posters!

hey now those are a collectors item. she grinded on those before she got into movies, when she was in town for the pole dancing convention.

i just dont know whats happening. i feel like im losing my mind.

then lets just go to bed. lets not watch anything.

i just have to check something first … jesus christ. the global app… amazon prime… roku… every free episode of the original beverly hillbillies and gunsmoke… ive seen them all. there is nothing left to watch on tv. rory wake up, you wont believe this. rory wake up! rory! oh my god he wont wake up… rory! wake up! i have to tell you about the television! what was it rachel ray said about when someone passes out in the kitchen… cpr! rory stay with me, dont die on me! oh my god his skin has just melted off! and now a disembodied spirit is materializing from the dusty bones!

haha rory is with us now, bitch!

rory would never speak to me like that! who are you?

im the fucking tv watching demon and we have your rory with us in our rape dungeon!

oh no! if only i had gone for walks with him during the daytime, or went to the tulip festival when he asked, or been the one to meet the skip the dishes driver on the footpath! now im a fucking mess! oh noes!

//jf 8.28.2019

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