A short story for mature readers.
“A celebration-of-life for a departed friend turns into a public spectacle.”
everyone hello, and good evening! i hope you are enjoying yourselves at my expense! for those who dont know, i am paul! yes, yes your applause pleases me greatly. thank you. once a year we open the manor to our closest friends in celebration! celebration of another year! another school year! another year of steves bald head so fucking shiny it looks like his moms waxed asshole! another year just to say we made it. we call this the long night! thank you, thank you, but remember this was a team effort. so from the bottom of my heart i want to thank each and every one of you, newbies included, for making the last four years devoid of any police intervention! as you all know i am not one to pass off an opportunity to get everyones attention and less likely to give it away once ive got it, so as you can see our good friend andrew is going around the room handing out shot glasses, you will want to keep those and a shot of warrens dads everclear brought to you in a stylish, glass gallon jug, just let me know when everyones set up. good? ok first a toast to the long night, to four successful years and, i hope whoever lives here in september can find their own thing because this night is ours! to the night!
hold up hold up keep the music off, im not done! this is going to be a little more indulgent then usual. cant expect me not to i mean, for our last time. yes, this year during the long night we are also celebrating the mournful. some of you may have noticed that francis is not here, i know im sorry him and i have not patched things up yet but that does give me the opportunity to memorialize his cousin. yes, yes gregory, little greg we are here for him tonight. some of you who havent been around the manor as long as the boys and i have dont know greg, or even the legends, but just he was a good guy. a little more fucked up then normal but, he had a good soul. just last week while planning for tonight i got a call from francis telling me that greg had committed suicide. yes sad but true news. but like i said this is a celebration! so we arent going to dwell on the now but the then! so im going to say a bit and when we get through a bit we are all going to take a drink and no wait not yet!
shit. andrew! we will wait, lloyd. ok everybody good? now we will raise a glass, for gregory hoblitt, one hell of a guy. to greg!
now im not gonna take you up all evening here i just wanna tell you guys the story again hows that sound? one more time tell you guys the story i can see a few girls walking away come on patricia you couldnt have heard this that many times? oh well ok who here are freshmen? which of the freshmen, freshpeople got invited this evening? ok im seeing a few hands who hasnt heard the bunk bed story yet? alright well four years ago when i was a freshman and it was my first year at the manor the cheapest way to sleep so many people and actually afford living so close to uni were bunk beds. so a bunch of us got together after orientation, me, francis, andrew, the rest and we loaded the bedrooms with bunk beds. those are the same beds in there now as when we put them in there. same mattresses, same crusty bits courtesy of that guy right there, steve, youve got a hell of a load my friend. oh ok ok im getting side tracked everyone got more booze? ok well francis brought whoa wait wait no no no dont drink yet! oh what the hell.
ahh do we have more? warren did you bring any more? fuck uhh ok just go to the cabinet and start pouring whatevers in there i dont care. ok so francis, brought his cousin, greg, over one night, he was eight then just a baby but super quiet, shy kid. like me. a lot of you guys dont know how much of a puss i was my first year here, heavier, not as confident. even fewer of you remember the toilet incident thankfully! and i meet greg, and francis asks if greg can stay a couple weeks cause his parents were on vacation. well it was july, i had the beds rented out while everyone was gone but i figured greg could just sleep on the couch. oh thats not a problem hes going to sleep with you. im like, what? yeah greg gets scared at night and needs somebody to sleep with. haha yeah right? give him steves body pillow! hah! ok ok anyway so apparently he would sleep with his dog at home, but his dog wasnt around so, ask the guy who sleeps on a single mattress like everyone else here to share his bed right? time for a drink? time for a drink ok this time to steve, steve we love you man seriously. to steve!
smack smack yuck wat is that? ok oh and andrew go slow this time. walk slow. ok back to what i was saying sound reasonable righte? i thought kid sleeps with his dog no big d. so it goes ok the first couple weeks kids quiet maybe he wants to play video games, kid doesnt wanna oplay video game. kid wanna play checkers? kid donna want to play checkedrs. so i leave him alone and one night im sleepin and i feel this rod, loike, wait wait dont spoil it! this hard rod sorta thing on my bum, and im thinkin what? that skinda weird , then this thrusting and like, unnh unhh an now im awake and i just outta bed and im like, what the fuck? and i mean i am out of that bed like trippin over myself so quick, all fuckin wrapped up in blankets and like bakced up to the wall and like fuck man what the hell? i aint nevber been so compelled to react like that before cause really? who does this happen to? an while all this is going on in my head greg is half asleep there just looking at me all tender and babyish and his fuckin little eight year old dic is out and shit and everyone inthe room is up now cause i was so loud and like, im like, where is everyone going? dis is the story! do you want another drink everyone want another drink andrew pour them one, pour me when come ofer here pour me another drink and then pour everyone else another one. you guys arent gonna believe whats coming up ok everyone got a dirnk? ok lets toast to drinking! to drinking!
whoo dam thats a good drinky there warren ure dad makes thkat mself? phew that shit is illegal tasting man. nyway im almost done then we can go back to partyyibnig wooooo! ok no its ok andrew i can stand still just, you stand there in case i cannot stand ok? ok so to summarize, my whole thing with greg, so when i found out i told francis, and now he thinks, that when i tol him dats when everything started going wrong. when his uncle and ant got diverced, when greg started getting bullied at school. none of that was my fault i didnt do anything i just told francis what happened. i donty know why he suddently thouht it was gunna bea mission what? wat you want me to stop but mi not done yet. no wait wait turn the music off im not done yet! one more drink cummon one mroe drink ok anyone who wants one more dirnk come here. no ones coming everyones leaving doesnt anyone care about greg? i know i know we already drunk to greg. i know jus, andrew gimme the bottle. andrew is my parents booze so i get to finish. sambuca? thats all thats lef? fuuuuuuu
i jus duno patricia i tol him i was sorry wat else can i do he thinks i broke up his family. no no im no havin any more to drink everythings spinning mm thats nice thanks baby uhhhhh take it take the facecloth im gonna throw up rrrrretch! rrrrrrrrrretch! ug rr rr ah thats better mm no jus leave me here ok? i know you could jus give me a bucket in bed but toilet is my friend. mr toilet nose i didnt do anything wrong doncha snniffff hah snniffffff mm huh huh huh wha happened to me? i lost my friend im losing the house yah my parens want me to move back with them they think ill make more money out there til i can afford to come back on my own im sorry i didnt tell you. im a loser. no i am pat im a loser snnifffff huh huh huh im as big a loser as steve. i shouldn have told him. i know i dont know but if i hadnt tol francis then greg would still be alive.
//jf 10.20.2019
theory of a daskeman 