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we sat side-by-side the other day –
so close and yet so far away,
and i could see the sunlight reflected off your steely-blue eyes
as i wondered if you even knew i drew breath.
so many sleepless nights, drained but restless
wishing i had your body against mine –
because i believed you alone could soothe me,
mitigate me,
love me and my touch
this time.

but i’ve been wrong before.

so like a thief i’ve stolen what i could
to fuel a fantasy that would.
your face, your look –
the freckles that dot like weathered wood.
placing you in-phase with others who came before,
dreaming that maybe i could enjoy those times more.
your life continues
and mine stands ignored.
i have to move on. i do.

weeks pass by without you.
maybe this is all an illusion.
my uncertainty, like White-Out, hastily paints over
the contours of your lips –
the ones i’ve wanted to kiss.
i am forgetting you.
i lie still,
slumbering,
finally…

and now i am next to you.

and i can’t take my eyes off you.
they know, i’m sure they do –
they see me as clearly as i do you.
i thought i was through
and you’re doing a good job looking like you were too.
you spot me in the corner of your sight,

and you turn,
and try as you might, you couldn’t fake
the smile that slipped across your face –
the same one on mine that i can’t replace,
like mirrored twins, wandering through space –
a smile.
your smile.

but maybe you were just being polite.

//jf 7.31.2021

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