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I’m not sure if this is even going to fill your elementary-school quota of three paragraphs but we’ll try. “The Invitation” was not a bad movie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one concentrating on the “brides” of Dracula before – lots where ol’ Drac has his bevvy of buxom & consenting babes already turned and who approve of his polygamist & non-monogamous ways, but not one where we see the actual process of acquiring said-babes, or how said-babes approve-or-disapprove of their seduction (followed by forced spiritual-and-physical confinement). The Invitation is not about Dracula himself, thankfully, as that Transylvanian dude has been done to death: this time it’s some random rich British guy with the suggestive last name of De Ville (the script is content with peppering Easter Eggs from the Bram Stoker novel though, such as the creepy castle named New Carfax, or Renfield the Butler). The acting is earnest from an odd collection of you-know-them-or-you-don’t folk who are all happy to be working post-COVID, the production design is expectedly opulent & gothic (it’s clear from that big dragon statue in the castle lobby that the majority of the budget went there), and – despite 90% of the plot’s mystery being spoiled in the trailer – I was genuinely interested to see how everything ended. It was worth the half-price “last week of Summer because there’s nothing new for general audiences” ticket the movie theatre was flogging.

BUT! I can’t help but think of how much better it would have been if they had made some small changes… take note, Sony-owned Screen Gems! Two-time film-school dropout Jason is here to teach you a thing or two:

1. First, get rid of that PG-13 rating. What the Hell is up with that? Who under thirteen has any interest in seeing this? To be more specific, what 13-year-old is even going to be interested enough in finishing the movie to begin with? It’s not like The Invitation is some wall-to-wall bloodfest (it isn’t), or there’s boobies (there aren’t), or that you need to hold out because there’s some crazy bit where a handicapped girl gets her colostomy bag ripped out about 55-minutes in (ahem…): what the trailers fail to reveal was the final film’s slow-burn approach. Still, the first 10-minutes would have been 10-times better had Emmaline’s head landed immediately after the statue’s, as well as a few other prominent moments where some extra grue would not have gone unappreciated (the centerpiece “dinner” scene comes to mind). Plus, I couldn’t picture our heroine Evie’s “broke hipster art-school dropout” character not swearing: it was unrealistic.
   • Speaking of Evie, I hated actress Nathalie Emmanuel’s septum piercing: the costume department made it as small & unobtrusive as possible, but in some close-ups of her face it’s still too shiny & distracting, especially in the film’s numerous intimate candlelit scenes. Not that septum piercings are ugly (I’m sure there are their share of alternative-looking vampire brides that get the “Jason Seal of Fynne-ness”, heh-heh), but did she have to leave it in the WHOLE movie? She wears it to bed in the movie, but the ad-guys took it out for the movie poster (look above)? I wasn’t even twenty-minutes in and it irritated me so much that I just wanted to pull it out and say “THERE! LEAVE IT!” Sadly, this is not a problem that can be fixed with software.
   • It is entirely possible that “bonus grue” was not shot and the final film was always intended to be suitable for children. In that case, small changes (such as not digitally-blurring the dinner scene) mean the difference. Plus, don’t tell me you can’t throw a few bucks at your CGI department and put in some extra blood that way.
     
2. Let’s talk about that “slow-burn approach” now: it’s a failure. Some idiot on production went and included scenes of the fresh-and-tasty wait staff being devoured too early in the movie (and immediately after Renfield – played by sleazebag character-actor Sean Pertwee (the sleazebag characters, not the actor) – recites them a prayer: all perfect quick-cut scene-ending moments). So the next change is to take all those extra bits of the maids getting dragged off as snacks, and dump them in the DVD supplemental material where they belong: any viewer who happens to not have seen the trailer beforehand will have the movie ruined too early as to what’s actually going on.
   
3. Next, take out all that romantic bullshit: I understand that the courtship between the bad guy & our heroine was not genuine and was just a ploy to get her comfortable on the estate. But what was the point of that long, painful scene in the sunroom where De Ville has the ceramics turntable set up if only to show how manipulative he is? He’s a vampire. Vampires (and Peter Cetera) are irresistible to the ladies. I already got that “lightning-in-a-bottle” lust that Evie felt for him, which really should have been enough for the plot. So take that scene out, too.
   • Note: what about a movie romance between a vampire and a woman who doesn’t find him irresistible? Has this been done? Could you make this movie please? Not you, Netflix.
     
4. And while you’re staying late, Mr. Editor, please cut that horrible sequel-baiting coda at the very end: I don’t care if audiences wanted to see more of Courtney Taylor’s “best-friend and comedy-relief” character and that the production went back & shot a new ending specifically for that reason (thanks IMDB Trivia). The ending – with Evie walking away from the ordeal in a blaze of glory – is fine the way it is.

Done. There’s your 90-minutes. I get the feeling Sony executives won’t be busting down my door begging for my suggestions any time soon, however.

I could linger on the things the film can’t “fix in Post”: the cheap special effects in the last 15-minutes when they mattered (why did De Ville get old but the other brides didn’t? Didn’t they specifically say that their lives were tied to his?); the continuity errors in your multi-million-dollar theatrical release in 2022 (sometimes Evie has her piercing in, sometimes she doesn’t (fucking thing) – sometimes she’s holding a wine glass, sometimes she isn’t… yadda yadda yadda); and the out-of-place performance from Hugh Skinner as the “lost cousin” who initiates the entire story, who plays Oliver with this awful pot-pourri of different vibes that is off-putting and – if we’re being honest here – makes it completely unbelievable that Evie would trust him in the first place. But why bother? I’m already a paragraph over my limit and if I type any more my seventh-grade teacher will send me home to my parents with a note saying I don’t follow direction well (been there, done that). The Invitation was bad, but it’s a good time of year for it. See it while it’s three bucks and support your corporate-run Hollywood overlords.

//jf 9.2.2022

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Movie poster sourced from themoviedb.org