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so then,
if i could do it all again

would i want to?

do i really want to know
what could have happened that bad?
negate all i have now for what i could have had?

well since you asked so politely,
i know the things i would change.
to a tee.
life is a lab when you have open multiple tabs –
back-and-forth in a deli sampling various exotic meats,
when it probably costs half your salary, easily
for a real-life meet-and-greet with no physical guarantees.

because i know a good chunk of what i did wrong
since that’s what i think about every day,
so would i want to keep those things the same
just to preserve the present me
oh, in search of something i cannot yet see,
yet can react in-anticipation-of over-dramatically?
hypothetically?

another saturday that’s mine to keep.
i feel the quaking through tip-toed feet as
sweat glues me to my seat.
nothing to say for myself again, except
my ability to procrastinate is getting more adept.
accepting will surely be the next step,
along with slow death.

yes, most have to do with she’s –
typical me.
but some are more grounded realities:
going back to school, doing it differently,
taking it more seriously instead of all that film stuff
that was more-or-less just a hobby.
trying to prove something to someone,
somewhere,
some time long ago.

volunteering.
for someone who spoke so highly of community,
i sure spent a lot of time feeling lonely
and not enough time taking accountability.
to not be so smothering
then spiteful if my friends were gathering without me.
i don’t play hockey. that’s okay –
i should still be able to say “hey”. my ability to speak
wasn’t developed yesterday.
to keep in touch and not leave them behind.
being kind.

i know my faults, so change them!
living long with the asshole within.
i pry my wet cheeks out of the seat and jump in the shower,
metaphorically.

//jf 11.19.2022

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