The original “Road House” (1989) is a cult classic. That doesn’t mean it’s any good: it means a very niche group think it’s excellent, my wife & I included. It’s full of bloody, cathartic, testosterone-fuelled violence that still holds up 35-years-later, even if some of the dialogues or procedural bits may be dated by today’s standards. So when I say the Road House remake is “hot one-and-done garbage”, it’s because at its core, it isn’t “Road House”.

What works about the remake are the villains: they are exceptionally cast. Contemporary UFC titan Connor McGreggor is one-note as the primary tough guy, but he looks like he’s having fun, so the viewers have fun, too. Billy Magnussen takes the Ben Gazzara role from the original as the whiny suit, and JD Pardo from TV’s “Mayans M.C.” is a brash biker with cropped bleach-blond hair: they, too, realize they are acting in a Road House movie, and thusly are also fun to watch. The original Road House is, above all, fun.

What doesn’t work is everything else. Like February’s “Argylle“, “Road House 2024” tries to trend with young, current audiences (in Argylle, we had a female-led cast & non-sequitur humour; in RH2024, we have MMA-based fighting & post-produced “awkward” pauses) but without the budget, the star-power, or the script to make it truly memorable.

Action scenes are quite-clearly CGI-enhanced, including a ghastly prologue with Post Malone fake-punching, and at least two fake car accidents. Jake Gyllenhaal as hero Dalton is miscast, spending too much time in his own head method acting when the role shouldn’t have called for it. Maybe things would have been different had his Dalton received a satisfactory back-story, or if the screenplay concentrated on some of the modern challenges of being a bouncer, but the script does neither. As a result, Gyllenhaal is working when he should be having fun. The film is also poorly-lit in its night scenes, and so roughly edited you can’t tell whether a gator eating somebody is a failed rescue or a murder.

Streaming has its detractors (RH2024 director Doug Liman being one of them), but you have to admit it has its perks, such as downvoting things so your service knows you hated it. Getting sent direct to streaming is the best thing that could have happened to the Road House remake.

1.5 out of 5