or, “The Silver Bowl of Dill-Flavoured Chips”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.
2 out of 5
“…there is a fear among studio executives…about some of the subject matter [of modern independent movies]. …everyone is going to films based on IP or something that’s very familiar, and that is the absolute antithesis of filmmaking…”
– Director Chris Columbus (“Home Alone”; “The Thursday Murder Club”), who was fired as producer on 2005’s “Fantastic Four”
[cont’d]
For 13 years, every theatrically-released Marvel movie has been a guaranteed date night for my spouse & I, whether I wanted it or not.
Happy wife, happy life. And where I called February’s “Captain America 4” (or CA4) a platter of “…tension…action, and… payoff”; and May’s “Thunderbolts*” “the leftover bile from… dry-heaving [post “Avengers 4”]”, 2025’s trilogy-capper “First Steps” (or FS) surfs to the middle of the buffet table as the silver bowl of dill-flavoured potato chips.
Now, while I don’t particularly like every food I eat to taste like dill, chips themselves are still crunchy & salty and take me to Snackhalla. My spouse, on the other hand, “hates” anything dill-flavoured – but if I do buy a bag, and it’s the only one in the house, she’s still going to eat some if it’s open in front of her.
Don’t believe the marketing hyperbole: FS is only “standalone” by circle-strafing around the origin story. This product’s real raison d’être (same with its other two year-sakes) is as gateway to 2026’s celebrity potpourri “Avengers: Doomsday,” and takes calculated beats to recognize that film’s Big Bad when he has nothing to do with anything here.
FS demands that cinema audiences care about a core quintet they’ve been inundated with over two decades; four features; three cast changes; and a corporate merger, but the recasting plays in direct conflict with viewer empathy: why should we give two shits about Franklin the baby when we don’t have any baseline for Vanessa Kirby or Pedro Pascal’s takes on his parents? Because Franklin’s probably important to Doomsday – that’s why.
Every actor’s performance here is tempered. There aren’t any titlecards to ground the bewildering 365-day plot structure. Even the trailer’s “Akira” esque crescendo of “FAN-TAS-TIC FOURRR” is underutilized. The gonzo energy that made CA4 tick has been castrated – but at least none of its heroes were beaten as children (à la Thunderbolts).
So it’s still watchable: Mister Fantastic gave good stretch (even if Pascal never went full Urkel); Kirby is a goddess; and Galactus was more imposing than Thunderbolts’ Sentry. But all things being equal, I would have preferred the origin story first – even if that meant a whole movie of Paul Walter Hauser’s Mole Man.
Some advice from one of Marvel’s regular paying customers: next time, don’t bring dill chips to a party. Everyone likes Sour Cream, or BBQ. Bring BBQ.
//wd 9.6.2025
Poster sourced from impawards.com. Publicity photograph property of Disney. What do you think? Did Vanessa Kirby make your straight White male heart grow fonder? Did Julia Garner’s Silver Surfer make you long for Laurence Fishburne? Do you even really give a what about the actors in a Marvel movie? Can you believe I had to pay $13 for my Tuesday ticket because it was only playing in VIP? There’s a comment box below for a reason, donchano!
theory of a daskeman 