400 Words on: The Smashing Machine (2025)

or, “Beating All the Well-Bushed Bits”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.


2 out of 5

If I was John Krasinski (Jim from the U.S. “Office”), and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson was going around telling everyone he was “best friends” with my wife (his “Smashing Machine” co-star Emily Blunt), it wouldn’t matter how many more seasons of “Jack Ryan” I’m signed up for: I’d be jealous.

Thankfully, the Universe has stepped in six-ways-from-Sunday to give John the break I assume he wanted from his spouse’s new champion: the most egregious being the leads’ shared sequences in their new movie.

Taken separately, both Johnson & Blunt are inarguably beguiling. However, their joint scenes here have a sloppy, off-the-cuff quality that probably comes from under-rehearsed improvisation, spoiling any chemistry I may have thought the acting colleagues had, and never convinced me of their characters’ connection. When Johnson’s Mark Kerr mansplains the aura of the crowd to Blunt’s Dawn, it reads like something he’d have said on their first date: not after moving in together.

[cont’d]

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400 Words on: Dead of Winter (2025)

or, “The Five Stages of Grieving Wasted Time”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.


1 out of 5

“Dead of Winter” (or DOW) is the antithesis to ‘Golden Topping Land:’ a movie you are actively conscious of while watching; an unremarkable composition that will pass from your brain as quickly as consumed, like cinematic Benefiber.

1. DENIAL

Actress Emma Thompson has had a robust & trustworthy career, and here, she plays the unlikely heroine of a kidnapping thriller. An Executive Producer credit ensured her creative autonomy, lest we forget she also won a screenwriting Oscar.

2. ANGER

With control comes accountability – ergo, no one else is responsible for today’s wretched protagonist, except for Thompson.

[cont’d]

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400 Words on: Him (2025)

or, “I Would Say That Was His Job”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.


3.5 out of 5

“Innovation is not always embraced and art is to be interpreted… I’ve had a career of making classic movies that weren’t critically received…”

“Him” actor Marlon Wayans, comparing its critical disparity to the ‘cult’ status of 2004’s frequently-cited ‘worst movie ever’ “White Chicks”

[cont’d]

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400 Words on: The Fantastic Four First Steps (2025)

or, “The Silver Bowl of Dill-Flavoured Chips”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.


2 out of 5

“…there is a fear among studio executives…about some of the subject matter [of modern independent movies]. …everyone is going to films based on IP or something that’s very familiar, and that is the absolute antithesis of filmmaking…”

– Director Chris Columbus (“Home Alone”; “The Thursday Murder Club”), who was fired as producer on 2005’s “Fantastic Four”

[cont’d]

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