Category: now in theatres

400 Words on: Crime 101 (2026)

or, “Putting Ray-Bans on a Turd
and Calling it Potato Head”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.

1.5 out of 5

“Crime 101” eluded first impressions, due to my needing a movie for Papa that wasn’t animated, subtitled, or sexy. Otherwise, its poster – with the cast’s faces on it, like a direct-to-video DVD cover from the late 2000s – should’ve been a sign.

Then, I was marked by its totally agreeable first hour: propulsive, and well acted & shot. Despite narrative formulaicity, there was novelty in some tightly-directed transitions of one character walking by another before they’d met in the story – like the ensemble drama “Magnolia”. I trusted the film was going somewhere.

But then I took inventory: maybe it was that the characters didn’t develop beyond their scripted function; maybe it was the forced romantic subplot; or maybe it was its dreary “Inside Man” style denouement.

Regardless, my film school side took over and I couldn’t bear it anymore. “Crime 101” is here for the long con.

[cont’d]

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400 Words on: Shelter (2026)

or, “Without Breaking a Sweat”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.

3 out of 5

I don’t usually gush (I’ve consigned two 5-star ratings in two years with the system), but I’m a Jason Statham fan.

Regardless of the actual quality of the movies themselves he’s headlined, Statham himself is effortlessly appealing & ‘unfuckable with’. I wouldn’t want him to kick me full-force in the breastbone.

Curious, then, that Statham’s “Shelter” character Mason spends most of the first act drunk, with his feet up by the fire. Yes, Mason is supposed to be a self-exiled recluse, but it’s rare to see Statham – at this stage in his career – chillaxin’ on-screen without exterior pressure.

[cont’d]

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400 Words on: Primate (2026)

or, “Johannes and the Terrible, No Good,
Very Bad Monkey Movie”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.

1 out of 5

‘Pacing’ is certainly a thing: attributed to no one, it’s an essential part of any entertainment. Audiences won’t notice the spacetime something occupies in their lives unless they’re bored, or they totally disagree with what they’re experiencing.

As an example, halfway through Michael Haneke’s 1997 art-horror “Funny Games”, there’s a long, unbroken take assumed as decompression for its characters. That part is so slow that the first time I watched, I fast-forwarded through it.

But skipping “FG’s” depiction of grief also meant reinforcing its themes of desensitization. Once it clicked, it’s a rare movie scene where something simple blossoms within a spacial indiscipline.

On the other hand, skipping scenes in Johannes Roberts’ “Primate” won’t reveal the dark side of its audience, but it will get you to the credits faster.

[cont’d]

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Dub’s Take: Sarah’s Oil (2025)

or, “The Next Hundredth Go-Around:
400 Words on Zachary Levi”:
A spoiler-free mini movie conversation.

“Coyness is nice,
and coyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life that you want to,

So if there’s something you’d like to try…
Ask me, I won’t say no, how could I?
Because if it’s not love,
then it’s the bomb that will bring us together.”

– “Ask” by Morrissey & The Smiths

[cont’d]

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400 Words on: The Smashing Machine (2025)

or, “Beating All the Well-Bushed Bits”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.

2 out of 5

If I was John Krasinski (Jim from the U.S. “Office”), and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson was going around telling everyone he was “best friends” with my wife (his “Smashing Machine” co-star Emily Blunt), it wouldn’t matter how many more seasons of “Jack Ryan” I’m signed up for: I’d be jealous.

Thankfully, the Universe has stepped in six-ways-from-Sunday to give John the break I assume he wanted from his spouse’s new champion: the most egregious being the leads’ shared sequences in their new movie.

Taken separately, both Johnson & Blunt are inarguably beguiling. However, their joint scenes here have a sloppy, off-the-cuff quality that probably comes from under-rehearsed improvisation, spoiling any chemistry I may have thought the acting colleagues had, and never convinced me of their characters’ connection. When Johnson’s Mark Kerr mansplains the aura of the crowd to Blunt’s Dawn, it reads like something he’d have said on their first date: not after moving in together.

[cont’d]

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