In an age of debating whether movie studios like Warner have the moral right to destroy unreleased films like their “Coyote vs. Acme” and “Batgirl”, here we have “Argylle”: a movie that didn’t need to be made at all.

Director Matthew Vaughn also helmed all three “Kingsman” movies. Both Kingsman 1 & 3 (“The King’s Man”) were fun and non-conformist, with well-textured characters and believable dialogue that injected some juj into their otherwise-boilerplate spy-caper stories. And where Kingsman 1 leaned towards comedy, Kingsman 3 was effectively dramatic. The reason that absurdist humour in Kingsman 1 and those unexpected tragic beats in 3 worked so well was because the movies were good and had earned your disbelief.

Vaughn is obviously capable, so it’s perplexing that Argylle inspires no audience empathy. Its narrative coalescence is predictable & uninspired. Its special effects are functionally on the level of a television pilot. The all-star cast – from Sam Rockwell to Bryan Cranston to Catherine O’Hara – does exactly what you expect them to with neither subtlety nor relish. And, no surprise, it’s too long, with a final third that introduces an assembly line of misdirection that ends with a dance number, all of which plays like it was written during an endless night of bong tokes.

It is these workmanlike qualities that suggest everyone on Argylle was just doing it for the money: it’s exactly what you expect and nothing more. Vaughn made an inoffensive “Kingsman for Girls”, which will serve its purpose as disposable entertainment for its audience and as a tax write off for its executives. The actors knew that no one was winning any awards: they all showed up with their lines memorized (we hope), did their job, and went home. You will guess all the twists. Your partner will laugh at the cat. And there’s so much leg n’ boob from Bryce Howard & Dua Lipa that you can see what they had for breakfast.

1.5 out of 5