Tag: dramedy

fred

A short story.

“A middle-aged Chinese man’s well-oiled weekend plans are repeatedly-hampered by karmic intervention.”

I don’t want to hear another word about it! Now just get it done! They were almost thirty-feet separated and Freddie was screaming like it was a First Aid emergency. Rogelio wished it was a real emergency: like something had snapped and crushed Freddie, even in the forklift. Like a beam: a big beam would break from the rafters – like an act of God – and fall and land at just the right angle to impale Fred through the open roof of his lift, and then he wouldn’t be a problem anymore. Rog recused himself before he fell down that depressive rabbit hole and ruined the rest of his shift: he wasn’t a young man anymore and couldn’t be bothered playing a young man’s game. But here was Fred again: driving too fast and too close for comfort off the main drag where the lifts were actually allowed. Rog put his head down and concentrated on his work, pretending not to notice as he knelt on old knees to pick up the product for stocking. But Fred must have felt Rog’s energy, because he screeched to a halt beside him, leaving barely-enough room for him to get off and down to Rog’s level. Well, not really: Fred was only five-foot-four. What’s your problem, Rog?
Problem? No problem, buddy. Rog was flustered & gasping for air, and trying his best to be diplomatic.
There’s something going on and I don’t know what it is. But I don’t want it to become a regular thing, OK?
What are you talking about?
Don’t think I haven’t been watching you. You’ve been frustrated for the last few days. And I don’t care what happened to you at home, just don’t take it out on me, OK? I’m trying to help you here.
Rog took a deep breath. …Fred, I’m very busy, OK? I don’t have time for your accusations.
I’m not accusing you of anything. What I’m saying to you is, you need a better attitude.
Attitude?
Your behavior! It sucks! Your work effort, too! You only have an hour left and look at how much you still have left to do!
OK OK OK, can you leave me alone now, please?
What, are you trying to get rid of me now?
Yes! I told you I’m busy! You dropped too much again! Now please go away!
I know that you’re busy, and I don’t like over-dropping any more than you do, but it’s what Kathy wants. That’s your job, right? To do what your manager wants? Not what you feel like. I just want to make sure that you know, that I’m working in your best interest, here.
Best interest? What are you talking about, best interest? You think that by making me stock all this heavy stuff so quickly that I’m not going to be paying the price tomorrow?
Oh, so you can call in sick again? That’s typical.
That’s your fault, buddy! That’s what I’m saying to you, man. You never stack any of the smaller pallets so I have to bend down so far to pick everything up and it hurts my back! You never put any of my short-stacks in steel and make me condense everything! And now there’s an hour left in my shift and I still have to finish the moves and clean up, and you’re dropping more? Because you think I need more to do? Fuck you, if you think that!
Fuck me?
Fuck you, Fred! You are an asshole, man!
Excuse me, you’d better watch your fucking language around me.
Or what?
Or we’re going to have a problem!
We already have a problem! You!
There’s nothing wrong with me! You don’t know me!
Everything’s wrong with you! Who says you get to talk to other employees this way? You aren’t a manager! You’re just a driver!
You’d better bet that Kathy is going to hear about this!
What, you going to run away now? Buddy, I’m just getting started!
You’re the asshole, Rog! You knew this was the last day before my vacation! Fred drove away at full-speed and Rog suffered his wrath for the rest of his shift. And as he wiped the sweat from his brow as he squatted by a pallet he was wrapping – his lungs panting and his heart racing and his back throbbing and only twenty minutes left in his shift; and his manager Katherine behind him, yelling at him about what he said to Fred and that he needed to stand up and explain himself right now – Rog cursed Fred under his breath. Worse than any wish of death or bodily dismemberment. Rog knew that he didn’t have any supernatural powers – or, at least, none that had awakened yet – but he’d heard of “The Secret” and the law of attraction and thought that, maybe, if he wanted it bad enough, it would happen. Yes, Fred needed to be taught a lesson. A lesson that was beyond Rog’s reach to teach in the material world. He cursed Fred, and his vacation, and his family, and anything else tied to him. His best friend in High School. His wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, whoever he was with. His parents. Him. And then he stood up.

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Now Available on Laserdisc: The Hudsucker Proxy

hudsucker proxy ld

Before we go any further, I have to eulogize the elephant in the room: my trusty Pioneer dual-sided Laserdisc-slash-CD player. I’ve had her for years now and she is a shining testament to the durability of 80s technology: this shit was built to last.

And she has lasted. She is heavy and unwieldy and unless we have her own separate station set up beside the TV then she rests on top of my wife’s ten-year-old IKEA entertainment unit. Two years ago I forgot that the lid was ejected and I walked into it, dislocating the arm from the unit. It was easily fixed by snapping it back in but she hasn’t worked the same ever since. Now she takes almost two full cycles before she can eject the door; CDs get stuck inside her and require surgical removal; and there is an ever-increasing chance that one day she will lose the use of her tongue completely and never be able to speak again. But she has persevered regardless! And no matter how much longer she may last, her contributions to my cinematic endeavors cannot be overstated enough.

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Now Available on Laserdisc: Ghost

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Why would Costco still sell Blu-rays? Hasn’t the market moved-on already? Up until last year they would also have the TV box-sets around Christmas time but I suppose they figured that dried-up when they didn’t sell A SINGLE M*A*S*H COMPLETE SERIES SET. My nearest Warehouse had an entire table one year dedicated to just the M*A*S*H, X-Files, and Bond box-sets they were struggling to off-load. And then there was nothing; nada except for the newest releases. There is something tangible about holding something you’ve purchased in your hand: reading the blurb at the back; maybe there’s a paper-insert inside with a special offer or some trivia. I’ve had my share of DVD limited-edition sets and Laserdisc sets and sometimes it’s the only way to see a certain version of a film that you want, and other times you just want the pretty packaging. The benefit to the vinyl format of Laserdiscs are that sometimes with a two-disc set you get a nice gatefold with some pictures and text: sometimes it’s just the Chapter Listing, and other times – like with Criterion sets – it would be an essay. Ghost has neither.

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in memory of gregory hoblitt

A short story for mature readers.

“A celebration-of-life for a departed friend turns into a public spectacle.”

everyone hello, and good evening! i hope you are enjoying yourselves at my expense! for those who dont know, i am paul! yes, yes your applause pleases me greatly. thank you. once a year we open the manor to our closest friends in celebration! celebration of another year! another school year! another year of steves bald head so fucking shiny it looks like his moms waxed asshole! another year just to say we made it. we call this the long night! thank you, thank you, but remember this was a team effort. so from the bottom of my heart i want to thank each and every one of you, newbies included, for making the last four years devoid of any police intervention! as you all know i am not one to pass off an opportunity to get everyones attention and less likely to give it away once ive got it, so as you can see our good friend andrew is going around the room handing out shot glasses, you will want to keep those and a shot of warrens dads everclear brought to you in a stylish, glass gallon jug, just let me know when everyones set up. good? ok first a toast to the long night, to four successful years and, i hope whoever lives here in september can find their own thing because this night is ours! to the night!

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