or, “Beating All the Well-Bushed Bits”: A spoiler-free mini movie review.
2 out of 5
If I was John Krasinski (Jim from the U.S. “Office”), and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson was going around telling everyone he was “best friends” with my wife (his “Smashing Machine” co-star Emily Blunt), it wouldn’t matter how many more seasons of “Jack Ryan” I’m signed up for: I’d be jealous.
Thankfully, the Universe has stepped in six-ways-from-Sunday to give John the break I assume he wanted from his spouse’s new champion: the most egregious being the leads’ shared sequences in their new movie.
Taken separately, both Johnson & Blunt are inarguably beguiling. However, their joint scenes here have a sloppy, off-the-cuff quality that probably comes from under-rehearsed improvisation, spoiling any chemistry I may have thought the acting colleagues had, and never convinced me of their characters’ connection. When Johnson’s Mark Kerr mansplains the aura of the crowd to Blunt’s Dawn, it reads like something he’d have said on their first date: not after moving in together.
Al Pacino’s been in the press promoting his new autobiography, and in a Variety interview, he discussed his divisive work choices in the 2000s: “…When you make $10 million dollars for a film … it’s $4.5 million (net) in your pocket. But you’re living above that because you’re high on the hog. And that’s how you lose it.”
I hadn’t seen a single trailer for “Red One” (aka. RO) before release: not in theatres, nor on any of my subscribed streaming services. All I had was what I’d read in the press: two conflicting pieces about producer/star Dwayne Johnson being unprofessional & overly generous on-set (despite floating the idea of RO in the first place); and an opinion piece about Chris Evans’ post-Avengers career torpedoing his “Captain America” legacy.
It’s unlikely Dwayne & Chris’ NDAs will let them admit the truth anytime soon. But this all created an interesting convergence of critical opinion & celebrityism in the public sphere, into my own assumptions as a potential viewer: I saw one leading man working to cultivate his image, and the other his lifestyle.
But RO’s first act played better than reviews suggested: a campy take on the action buddy-comedy through a Christmas lens. There was even a point I was prepared to put it on my 4-star Shelf Of Shame along with “Madame Web” & “The Crow”: two other widely-panned 2024 releases that I kinda, sorta liked a lot. How could you not like a movie with the line, “her ass punished us with its obscene wind”?
But whether it was the behind-the-scenes controversies, a creative lapse by director Jake Kasdan, or a masochistic storm of both, Kasdan can’t help recalling the airy, non-directional pacing of his 1998 debut “Zero Effect” instead of the manic, feature-length energy of his two “Jumanji” sequels. Rather than jumping systematically point-to-point like a tentpole picture should, Kasdan’s textured beats eventually sabotage the blockbuster nature of the two-hour film, for which the ultimate goal should be to get audiences in and out of the theatre as quickly as possible.
Don’t get me wrong: I love Zero Effect – so much so, I plagiarized part of it for a high school English assignment. But ZE is about characters with no social skills, and Red One is supposed to be a madcap, high-concept Holiday smash. What it is, is boring, and that’s low-key devastating.
Poster sourced from impawards.com.What do you think? Are audiences headed for a new renaissance of Holiday pictures, or is the Golden Age over and all Christmas movies after 2010 forgettable filler? Aren’t seasonal movies filler by definition, or are there some like “Home Alone” that you can watch all year long? Do you side with my wife and think the talking polar bear & Krampus were enough to make Red One a classic? Leave your opinion in the comments below!
theory of a daskeman 