A micro-story for mature readers.
i dont know whats been happening in my life lately thirty six and divorced two kids from different men im sitting in the park on a warm saturday afternoon and the sun is beating down relentlessly hottest february on record i can feel it too sometimes you cant sometimes the skies are blue and its minus seven i tilt my sweaty brow back and forth in the light to make sure im covering every angle some tan might be nice ive always wanted to try tanning not spray tanning thats cheating but maybe in one of those ultraviolet coffins people always tell me im too pale what are they talking about ive got these rosy cheeks my ex always used to comment on my cheeks said it was my brightest part wait a minute he was an asshole thats right i always have to stop myself when im reminiscing like this i dont know whats been happening in my life lately
i should have brought some lunch with me i used to sit here all the time with my sweetheart during our free block look at me thirty six still stuck in my tweens just some mcdonalds some fries people watching things were simpler then not so much anymore not even fun to people watch anymore everyones on their phones or with their kids with their pets companions i dont have anything lost both custody cases i take a drag on a hastily rolled joint my hands were shaking as i was putting it together doc said its stress but i think it could be tourettes or maybe the start of parkinsons my mom died of complications from parkinsons by the end she was worse even than michael j fox.
there are these odd pauses in our thoughts in my thoughts i dont know if anyone else feels the same my mind will wander and something will stop me dead in my tracks only other time that happens im so bored at home and the tvs on and i zone out for minutes and i have to stop and rewind to make sure i didnt miss anything why would i be missing anything every show is the same everythings the same a homeless man across from me is rooting through a dumpster he looks up at me i run my hand through my hair and change my gaze but he keeps looking he smiles what am i talking about of course no one else feels the same way looney bin right here.
hes coming this way why do i come across so approachably i just want people to leave me alone i feel so different now so tired asexual i used to be a sexual person thats how i ended up with two kids once i got going i couldnt stop myself its probably best that i dont see them anymore lucy must be five now when was she born march almost her birthday i need to get her something the homeless man smelled the weed and i can smell his cologne the scent of the streets b o fucking disgusting i give him the rest of the drag and tell him to get lost he calls me a bitch thanks buddy havent heard that one before kevin must be fifteen so strange having a kid in your twenties its what society wants from you have sex get pregnant be a good wife its not what i wanted i wanted to be i dont know what i wanted to be i wanted to be what my mother wanted me to be a good wife and loving mother what a cycle i wish i hadnt given him the rest of my smoke the feelings are coming back again lucy thats right what do six year old girls like barbies frozen they want to be princesses pampered in a way you could never give them without a credit card fuck its been a while since ive had a credit card had to declare as part of the divorce i dont have any money i dont have any friends i dont even have any family left its just me and an apartment in a halfway house that looks like an ikea showroom i should just walk in to traffic and end it all.
thats what ill do ill throw myself in front of a bus ive never been so sure of anything in my life.
//jf 10.20.2020
theory of a daskeman 