or, “Johannes and the Terrible, No Good,
Very Bad House Monkey Horror”:
A spoiler-free mini movie review.
1 out of 5
‘Pacing’ is certainly a thing: attributed to no one, it’s an essential part of any entertainment. Audiences won’t notice the spacetime something occupies in their lives unless they’re bored, or they totally disagree with what they’re experiencing.
As an example, halfway through Michael Haneke’s 1997 art-horror “Funny Games”, there’s a long, unbroken take assumed as decompression for its characters. That part is so slow that the first time I watched, I fast-forwarded through it.
But skipping “FG’s” depiction of grief also meant reinforcing its themes of desensitization. Once it clicked, it’s a rare movie scene where something simple blossoms within a spacial indiscipline.
On the other hand, skipping scenes in Johannes Roberts’ “Primate” won’t reveal the dark side of its audience, but it will get you to the credits faster.
[cont’d]
*
“Primate” runs excruciatingly slow, and offers no sustainable creative argument as to why. Where last review’s “Brawl in Cell Block 99” used its measuredness as ominous world-building (which paid dividends), “Primate’s” prologue promises drama that it doesn’t deliver for its supposedly-brief 90-minutes – which honestly felt like two hours.
It’s content with a bland, trope-heavy structure: a cold open flash-forward; a typically isolated setting; and multiple failed rescue attempts. Fifty-percent of its young, clean faced cast bide their time in one location for 50% of “Primate’s” duration, like the movie only received half its proposed budget.
*
Ben the Rabid House Monkey is the most disappointing characterization. The elaborate, exposition-heavy title sequence suggests more to his confinement, but nothing’s ever broached & Ben himself has no pathos towards his circumstance. There’s no scenes of the humans treating him like dirt, nor of Ben looking out & wondering what it’s like on the ‘outside’: he gets bit; gets rabies; and that’s that. The human cast treats him like a housecat, so I gave him as much empathy.
*
Back to “Funny Games”, I can picture Mike H. screening it for distributors, having to explain to outlier left-minded execs why his slow scene shouldn’t be cut. It’s the stuff of high-brow sketch comedy.
With “Primate”, the finished product is so thoroughly shallow & poorly paced, it’s clear there were quality control issues from the get-go. In this case, I wouldn’t be blaming director/co-writer Roberts: the onus is on the producer who greenlit Johannes & his stupid high concept house monkey script in the first place.
//wd 1.28.2026
Poster sourced from impawards.com. Screenshot from Paramount Pictures.
theory of a daskeman 