Now Available on Laserdisc: The Hudsucker Proxy

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Before we go any further, I have to eulogize the elephant in the room: my trusty Pioneer dual-sided Laserdisc-slash-CD player. I’ve had her for years now and she is a shining testament to the durability of 80s technology: this shit was built to last.

And she has lasted. She is heavy and unwieldy and unless we have her own separate station set up beside the TV then she rests on top of my wife’s ten-year-old IKEA entertainment unit. Two years ago I forgot that the lid was ejected and I walked into it, dislocating the arm from the unit. It was easily fixed by snapping it back in but she hasn’t worked the same ever since. Now she takes almost two full cycles before she can eject the door; CDs get stuck inside her and require surgical removal; and there is an ever-increasing chance that one day she will lose the use of her tongue completely and never be able to speak again. But she has persevered regardless! And no matter how much longer she may last, her contributions to my cinematic endeavors cannot be overstated enough.

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Now Available on Laserdisc: December

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When you look at the cover of this movie, what is the first thing you see? “Jay, you need a better camera.” Okay, what else? “Better lighting.” And? “A better intro.” Try again. WIL WHEATON IS IN THIS MOVIE! OHH MAHH GAWWDDDdddd there he is, front-and-center in the group shot. Star Trek: The Next Generation was into its fourth season when this came out, so he is obviously the main attraction (could be the reason it got released in the first place). I like Trek but I am not a fanboy, and I don’t camp out at conventions hoping to get a sniff of Westley’s Essential Oils. I have actually never been to a Star Trek convention so I don’t know what it would be like, but I have an inkling that the attention these actors get – especially the TNG cast – is INSANE. Like, a real endurance test of patience and compassion to be able to tell the same stories; to sign autographs all-day; and to be accosted by fans of every sort, asking questions to plot points an average viewer would never have asked themselves. These are just the actors, people: not the writers. Wheaton seems especially game these-days to joke and explicate a career he left when he was a child, but he’s still famous for what he did when he was a kid and not really much else these days. Fame is messy. The more you know.

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Now Available on Laserdisc: Ghost

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Why would Costco still sell Blu-rays? Hasn’t the market moved-on already? Up until last year they would also have the TV box-sets around Christmas time but I suppose they figured that dried-up when they didn’t sell A SINGLE M*A*S*H COMPLETE SERIES SET. My nearest Warehouse had an entire table one year dedicated to just the M*A*S*H, X-Files, and Bond box-sets they were struggling to off-load. And then there was nothing; nada except for the newest releases. There is something tangible about holding something you’ve purchased in your hand: reading the blurb at the back; maybe there’s a paper-insert inside with a special offer or some trivia. I’ve had my share of DVD limited-edition sets and Laserdisc sets and sometimes it’s the only way to see a certain version of a film that you want, and other times you just want the pretty packaging. The benefit to the vinyl format of Laserdiscs are that sometimes with a two-disc set you get a nice gatefold with some pictures and text: sometimes it’s just the Chapter Listing, and other times – like with Criterion sets – it would be an essay. Ghost has neither.

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Now Available on Laserdisc: Project X

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Phew! It was a tough go, but I made it through two months of consecutive weekly posting. This month – to mix things up – I’m going to be digging into my home video archive to bring you a whole batch of articles on movies I own on the antiquated and inferior home video format known in some circles as the Reflective Optical Videodisc System, or DISCOVISION! I’m sure you’re thrilled.

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olivia

A micro-story for mature readers.

coffee weed and fucking the perfect day. the dream. my dream not everyones we all have different dreams. i dont dream much anymore but when i do its the same dreams ive always had. im somewhere remote, somewhere beautiful, and im driving. i know where im going and i can never get there fast enough. then i find out im not going anywhere, that im running. and i dont see who im running from but its someone in another car and they are always one step behind me. but i dont see them. so do i really know who im running from? maybe im running from myself. it always felt like a doppelganger, knowing my every move like that even on some of the lower roads ive driven on, still drive on twenty years later while my body sleeps. one time i dreamt that my father left me. that he disappeared in to thin air and i had to go looking for him. i travelled the world in a gyrocopter with two bumbling midget sidekicks like a live action disney movie from the eighties and it was all to find him. but he left me. just like i got used to everyone leaving me. running from everybody. sheltered. but i knew what i needed. if i could just have another joint another cup of coffee, with the special creamer, get my dick sucked while i played video games it would all be okay. but i never had enough not even when it should have been enough i needed more, no weed id have a pot of coffee no coffee no weed i would lock myself in my room and masturbate all day, watching the same videos id seen a million times before. had to stay in my comfort zone even when watching porn. i love watching porn but i dont watch it anymore or else im not sharp for olivia.

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